the birth of untitled blog no. 794

  • 1,268 words

so just about how many times have i told myself “this will be the last blog that im making, and ill stick with it this time” because that clearly is just not very true at all. but oh well whos going to stop me. the difference this time though is that im not using tumblr or neocities or substack im totally independent this time because i looveee customization.. currently using vsc cmd cloudflare pages and google domains instead of having to use drag and drop or wysiwyg i feel so big brained and mature right now and im using 11ty to write pages instead of manually copying and pasting everything or having to use jquery to load everything like a little bitch nope none of that fucking “javascript” bullshit in my holy temple just static pages just the way god intended. but im almost tempted to defy that just to add useless sound effects when you click on stuff like on my old site because im mentally a child

at the time that im writing this i am currently in possession of the custom domain it kicks ass and it was only like $10 for the year i couldnt pass it up. and ive been really wanting to have my own site for the longest time with (almost) no limits and while neocities did a pretty good job of almost being that i really dont like the userbase very much and its hard to ignore imo. i think half of the people who are active on there now are carrd transplants who get mad at people for stealing their code that they probably originally stole off of tumblr so anyways sorry for complaining right off the bat in the first entry but not really because i dont know who the hell else is reading this. but i tend to lurk the pages of random people on the internet too so i get it. this blog is going to be messy as fuck in terms of writing style because my thoughts tend to come out in run ons when i note them down and i feel like its more #real that way

i havent worked on making anything for my personal site(s) from the ground up for like 7-8 months out of mental unwellness but i suddenly got really inspired again out of nowhere and here i am now a day later. its almost 2pm but i bought the domain name last night and ive pretty much just been on the computer all day like a pathetic loser. i technically skipped my class today but it snowed unexpectedly and i really didnt want to go out so can you blame me. so anyways after i polish the stylesheet a bit more im just going to work on everything sporadically and mess with it as it goes like how i always do. its kind of stupid but im excited to see what kind of things i end up doing with this newfound freedom of mine because i think the fact that i spent real life money on it this time will motivate me to actually do more things. ive been spending too much money on strange crap lately.

i am just a girl doing things in the world at my disposal and sometimes i must undergo circumstances and encounter situations and it makes me want to be sick from fear but i have to adopt a cat one day and get a second ear piercing and look at strange images and draw shitty pictures of my favorite characters so my time is not over yet i still have unfinished business. i think that consensus is not so bad considering the fact that i probably thought about wanting to kill myself just the other day. i still have to own ampharos plushie and sawamura eijun figure keychain and atsuhina nendoroid yeap the wonders that overpriced plastic can do for your mental well-being when you are the insane type to get obsessed with pixels on a screen whatever

other things that happened today

while working on this site i spent a lot of time[1] listening to my spotify top songs playlist from 2017 in which back then my account had existed for almost a year. it was a lot of indie pop and rock songs and artists that were popular on tumblr around that time so basically a lot of panic at the disco, arctic monkeys, troye sivan, twenty one pilots, the neighbourhood.. you already know what type of music. its kind of embarrassing. its hard to imagine that its already been 6 years since 2017. its still the mid 2010s in my head. it feels really strange to refer to the 2010s as ‘last decade’. it simulataneously feels like so many things happened back then but at the same time also basically nothing happened since its already passed so quickly. its funny how things like that work.

so my throat has been sore for the past few days and i thought it was getting better today but its really been up and down. i hope i dont have a cold. my last cold was in october and i used to only get sick once a year. i dont really eat properly and im kind of careless sometimes so its not surprising. if you have depression or autism and the like its really hard to keep up with personal hygeine on a consistent basis even though youre fully aware of how gross it is. there are a lot of sensations that come with that i have to mentally prepare myself for every single time. im not good at taking care of myself. theres no doubt that part of it is thinking on some subconcious level that i dont deserve to be happy and healthy. i think a lot of negative thoughts towards myself that dont make any logical sense but when the world is confusing being able to resign to being garbage is almost satisfying in a way. i dont want to embrace it but i feel like i often dont have a choice. but really im tired of fighting with myself. i dont know which side is the “right” side even though some of the things i end up thinking on impulse dont even feel like me at all. lately things havent actually been so bad but i get burnt out pretty easily so im dreading the day that ill inevitably break down again. ive gotten pretty used to recognizing the cycle it goes in. i feel like im always on standby for something else so i can never truly be at ease..

i swear this shit is never going to leave me alone. i dont talk to very many people so im usually just left to my own devices when it comes the time for self-introspection and overthinking your entire existence. all of my most life-changing realizations are the ones that i eventually arrived at myself. but still, one day i want to meet someone who simultaneously just understands and doesnt care. i do want to fall madly in love tbh but ill write about that some other time. i feel like the subject matter in this first entry has been all over the place and i need a moment. thats all for now i think.

Listening to: The Other Side of Paradise - Glass Animals[2]

  1. i say this in past tense but im at song #67 as i write this footnote ↩︎

  2. ranked in my 2017 playlist as No. 18 of 100 ↩︎

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